Ribbons and Gifts
I was listening to two acquaintances talk about another person the other day. The conversation went sort of like this: Person 1, “I’m not going to invite Missy over anymore. We have had them over 3 times and they have never had us over once.” Person 2, “I know exactly what you mean, we had them over several times also and they have never reciprocated.” Never being one to avoid a good debate I interjected: “Did Missy know the deal?” Person 1 “What deal?” I said: “Well, you inviting her over was obviously barter, did you say: Missy, I would love to have you over for coffee or dinner, then you can invite us over?” I could feel the warm glow on my face from Person 2 as the conversation (rapidly becoming an argument) heated up. Person 2: “It’s only good manners to reciprocate; it takes a lot of hard work to have someone over for dinner!” Here is where I lost my argument by defending Missy (whom I don’t know) by saying: “Perhaps Missy has a reason for not inviting you over, perhaps her animals have torn up her furniture, or she is a really dirty housekeeper and she would be embarrassed, or (zinger) maybe her house is much nicer than yours and she doesn’t want to lord it over you.” O.K., I don’t have much tact, but the initial discussion got me thinking about presents and generosity.
How often do we really give something without expecting anything in return; not even a “thank you”? How many times do we offer something, really expecting something in return, and it makes us hurt or angry not to have our expectations fulfilled? Are we really more generous with strangers than friends or family? I know of some families that do not give Christmas presents because they don’t want the hurt feelings, competitiveness, or “tit for tat” (gifts of equal value) associated with “giving”. However they feel no “debt” when giving a stranger $5 for gas or helping someone with a flat. Actually, these people may have it right, for the way they live. If the expectation is to get a gift in return, or that they are afraid that the gift they give may be of a lesser value than one they receive, then it really wasn’t a “gift” anyway. Teaching children how to give gifts, without expectations is a great way of teaching them how to be generous, less self-centered, and that “living the good life” is NOT about “having the good things.”
I also find the excuses that people come up with for not being generous to be very interesting (Is that more tactful than saying greedy or selfish?). One of the most frequent I hear these days is: “that person will just spend it (money) on drugs or alcohol anyway.” If a person abuses another’s generosity, then isn’t the sin on the part of the abuser? Why should the potential abuse prevent someone for being generous just in case the person was really hungry?
It really feels good to give without expectation of receiving. It is nice to receive a heartfelt appreciation for the gift, but even without it, giving a gift or helping someone (a gift of time or labor) makes one just feel a little taller. And if someone gives you a gift; allow them to be generous. Say “thank you” and appreciate that someone believes you are worthy of a gift. Don’t feel like it is necessary to run out and get something in return. If someone invites you for dinner and if you ask: “Is there anything I can bring?”, and they say “no,” then don’t bring anything. Simply appreciate the gift and blessing of friends. Do you know why gifts are tied with ribbons? Because then there are no “strings” attached…that’s Cowboy Logic!